My new year resolutions

Hey... so, finally we are in 2009!

The new year has arrived and guess what! For the first time in my history of existence, I have decided to go for New Year Resolutions.

And here are they:

1. Promise everyone with a small 'conditions apply' tag.
2. Stay away from girls and dogs. Both bite and bite hard! It hurts! oooh!
3. Laugh often and never cry.
4. Make friendships only with boys (in a strictly non-pervert and innocent sense, NOT what you think, you *****!)
5. Feign to be intelligent.
6. Whenever in trouble, speak the truth.
7. Whenever not in trouble, also speak the truth. Oh! both sound so similar, isn't it?
8. Research on how to increase the limits of blogger, so that I may never have to switch to another account and am able to write 90 years of blah blah blah.
9. Make money out of everything! Am short of cash! Seriously!
   

Aaahhh... so hopefully that's it and all!

PS. All in a strictly humorous sense!

Image source: http://www.cyarena.com/

Where is god?

Hmm... 2009 is few hours away...

2008 is gonna go...

And I have decided to end this year on a humorous note. Hence, here is a small joke concerning two boys. It was forwarded to me by my dear friends... So here we go:

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were extremely mischievous. They always got into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother had heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning and the elder boy was set to meet the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, made the younger boy sit down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
........................................
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"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Source: Unknown

What a fart!

Ohhh, its that time of my health again, when I just feel like... aahhh.. relieving myself, but the problem is people never take it too kindly! I remember taking tuition from a Mathematics teacher in Class 9 who had one of his awkward days, which made us concentrate more on vapours than theorems... the problem was how to make a straight face when you know you are dying to laugh your hearts out and he, being a very serious man would never entertain that! Finally we could have a bit of oxygen when he declared, "Please do these problems. Let me complete some work, which I suddenly remember now and I would come back!" We felt like... "hmm... yeah yeah... please... thank you so much".

Now my question is, why are people generally so hush hush about this natural phenomena? Is it only because of the odour associated? Or because of the sound? In most cultures, it is considered "BAD MANNERS". But why? After all we are only leaving out the vapours! Anyways, let me take up the classification of various kind of farts:

The two parameters are VOLUME and ODOUR! So we have four combinations out of these two:

1) Low volume, low odour: The safest bet! Go on all of you! None will notice! Guaranteed pleasure!

2) Low volume, high odour: This is safe only when you are able to strike and leave immediately Its like an air raid. Just drop the bomb and leave. If you stay put, you are in for big time trouble!

3) High volume, low odour: Problem! Do not do it! If at all you need to, please move to the washroom and relieve yourself!

4) High volume, high odour: A strict NO NO! If you feel this would be your output, please leave the place, go to the garden, hum some nice old Hindi song and relieve yourself! And come back only when you feel you are done!

The most common among these four are:

• Low volume, high odour &


• High volume, low odour

Next time, you feel like... you know what... I am sure your output would fall into one of these classifications.

Its the same with all. Take the celebrities: Hrithik, Shahrukh, Sachin, Dada, Dhoni, Lalu... they all do it! But the media has not been able to take up their sounds as yet! Lets hope some day, we would be able to hear something about them... a loud POOOOOOO...

Recently the films have started using the hilarious power of fart to good effect. Did you see Harry Puttar? If not, go and watch it once, its hilariously farty!!!

But somehow, farts have not been utilized well uptill now. Let us see where all could the vapours be utilized more efficiently:

1) As an alternative to LPG, though it would require large scale storage to be of any good use.

2) Handy lighters

3) It could help reduce the usage of bullets in gun battle. A combination of Himesh Reshammiya's songs and foul farty smell could work like AK47 when put to good use against criminals!

4) Drive away a thug. Next time someone places a knife on your back, politely ask him, "Can I fart?" and then provide him with a stinking output.. Success guaranteed!

So next time, you feel like doing it, just do it! Just keep the code of conduct in your mind and always store excess for emergencies!

Wish all of you "Happy Farting"!!!

PS: No offence intended. This post is only intended to give a "Bajate raho" award to those who do not care about the place and occasion and decide to relieve themselves. It would also serve as a guide to those who need it most!

Image source: http://www.porcelainpoetry.faketrix.com

Time for some humour

Game over

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER"



Spelling mistake

What a single spelling mistake can do?
Husband went to GOA on tour and sent an SMS to his wife:


"HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME, WISH YOU WERE HER" :):):)



Wake up son

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son
and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to
school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the
teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to
go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to
school?"
MOM :
One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.



Phone scandal

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that
she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass
across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was
a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad
on the mobile.

Women!!

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing
him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she
slapped him again, for good measure.

People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of
the commotion was.

The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he
called.

Junior said

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try
Again Later"...



Bring on the cat!

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by
prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey. It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor did it retreat to its hole.

Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:


"Now, bring on your cat!"

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales assistant, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the window?"

The sales assistant answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work OutBarbie for £10.95, Shopping Barbie for £10.95, Beach Barbie for £10.95,Disco Barbie for £10.95, Ballerina Barbie for £10.95, Astronaut Barbie for£10.95, Skater Barbie for £10.95, and Divorced Barbie for £195.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £195.95 and the others only £10.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and .............one of Ken's Friends ."

Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat."

Anniversary

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Pay attention

"Are You Paying Attention?"

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Great joke -- Sardar with brain !

>>SARDAR WITH BRAIN

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa." Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep. The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay", says the American, "Your turn." So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer! He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers. Checks the input. All to no avail! Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500. The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep. The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5 and goes back to sleep!

Jokes !!!

Hi friends

You will love these jokes... I have compiled these from emails of friends.....
Happy reading! (:))

Just came across a interesting joke about Newton and Mithun.....
Here it goes:
Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning.He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done. In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors, can't be cured and his death is imminent.In one of the fights, Our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured.Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters. Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does.......
He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue
"Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".
3) Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does.Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....
4) The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km away.As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying
"Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar doonga".
The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the villain dies but not before he presses than damn button. Now what to do?
Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a race:The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are desparately trying to catch up.... goes on for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair,the hero jumps from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh.She is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair.
Climax,taaalian. Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely pissed off and he decided to go back.But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics.
The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops not so fast.The climax finally arrives. Rajni gets to know that the villian is on the the other side of a very highwall.So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries likeone of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.Rajni has to desparately kill the villian because its the climax. Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible.Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket(Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall ,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun.Now the first gun fires off and the villian is dead...............
Newton faints