2010 Resolutions

Hi people
I am back as promised. If the resolutions for 2009 were crazy, this year it would be simple, realistic!
1) I wish to have greater control over my emotions. I know I can control my mind, but I want it more.
2) I wanna get rid of my blocked nose.. no I don't want to cut it off, but may be, use a nasal strip for good amount of ventilation. Few people know that I am the biggest consumer of nasal drops in whole of India!
3) I have become a fan of 'raaz pichhle janam ka' (secret of the past life) regularly aired on weekdays on NDTV Imagine. If you ask me: Do you believe in past life? I would say "Yes". So, the resolution is: I would go and have a glimpse of my past life!
4) I have NOT taken anti-rabbies vaccine coz I was not bitten by any dog. But I may need to take one other type of vaccine, which, to my dismay, is yet to be manufactured worldwide. I may start a bit of research on it.
5) I need a bit of sleep. I can sleep. I will sleep. I must sleep.
6) Number 4 is even more important because I am thinking of pairing up. Say 'cheers' to the thought, at least!
7) I need some cash. My bank balances are at an all time low.
8) Some big challenges are likely to come my way. I think it would be cakewalk for me, though. (When I say "I think", read "I am DETERMINED to make it a cakewalk")
9) I need to catch some movies at a theatre. I watched the last movie in October'09. Now, would you believe that?

I don't think I wanna jot down any more. With the clock hitting 3AM, it's time to hit the sack.

What are your resolutions for 2010? Feel free to jot down in the comments section. The page is all yours!

My 2009 resolutions reportcard!

Finally, the year 2009 is coming to an end.. looking back there are few things which come to my mind. But before I really take a deep dive into what went right and what did not, let me reflect on my resolutions for 2009:

1. Promise everyone with a small 'conditions apply' tag. <-- Yes, I did it! So am happy and safe
   
2. Stay away from girls and dogs. Both bite and bite hard! It hurts! oooh! <-- Ab-so-lutely! 10 on 10 in this as well!
   
3. Laugh often and never cry. <-- I could not keep this promise totally!
   
4. Make friendships only with boys (in a strictly non-pervert and innocent sense, NOT what you think, you *****!) <-- Hmm.. well... yeah..
   
5. Feign to be intelligent. <-- Many idiots, one intelligent.. guess who!
   
6. Whenever in trouble, speak the truth. <-- I do that! But sorry, that has landed me in more trouble!
   
7. Whenever not in trouble, also speak the truth. Oh! both sound so similar, isn't it? <-- Followed totally..
   
8. Research on how to increase the limits of blogger, so that I may never have to switch to another account and am able to write 90 years of blah blah blah.<-- This is a pending task
   
9. Make money out of everything! Am short of cash! Seriously! <-- I have spent more than I have made, well, almost... a jackpot anyone?
   

So, friends, what do you make out of all that? A mixed year for me? huh?

This year's resolutions would be different. Keep your fingers crossed till I am back with my list. And oh, by the way, have you shortlisted your top 'n' movies, shows, books, blogs, blog posts, music tracks, events and etc etc etc for the year (almost) gone by? What did you say? "Not yet" "Time kahaan!" "Forget it"??

Oh come on! Write something! Take a bit of time out of your busy schedule and prepare a list - say of music tracks. Sort in descending order of preferences. Play the tracks on the night of 31st December. Have an I-Pod handy. Watch the night sky explode with fire crackers all around and play back the songs. See if each of the songs bring back a specific incident of the year gone by! ...science calls this "associated memory".. for example, the song "hua hai tujhe jo bhi jo bhi" may bring back memories of your first (or last) kiss! (not me)! Close your eyes. Think about it.

You would feel nostalgic, feel good, rejuvenated, ready to take on the new year with new hopes and expectations... you would feel all charged up. Friends, try it for a change...

I would come back shortly with my list of resolutions for 2010 and also what went right for me and what did not..

So, (in the classic style of reality TV shows) PLEASE DO NOT GO ANYWHERE! I WILL BE RIGHT BACK!

Until next time, ciao!!


Image source: http://nnhs.newton.k12.ma.us/go/content/view/413/

Synthetic sperms: Future for men?

According to recent developments, scientists have claimed that synthetic sperms can be created out of male stem cells which could revolutionize the way infertility is treated nowadays.

"This is an important development as it will allow researchers to study in detail how sperm forms and lead to a better understanding of infertility in men -- why it happens and what is causing it," said professor Karim Nayernia, who spearheaded the research.

You can read the full article here. A very good breakthrough and would help people cope with male infertility much better in years to come.
But, on a different note, that just made me think, will males really be necessary 'that much'? With the landmark Delhi High Court ruling on same sex relationships and now with this new breakthrough, one just wonders, what is coming up next!

These are a few scenarios which we may see in years to come:

A female only country:
It is said that in some primitive civilizations in remote islands, there used to be only females, no male species whatsoever and those primitive women had no other way out other than satisfying their primitive needs in weird ways. In case they had access to a single male, he would be subjected to lust and greed of the extreme order.
In today's scenario, this could apply to lesbians, who can very well have the children of their dreams through this 'synthetic' technique, although they would require a male for the donation.
In future, due to some unknown reason, if a political heavy weight woman leader demands a separate country only for women, she could actually have it. The women there need not worry, as there would be men employed in the service, who would just work in huge scientific labs just for creating synthetic sperms and facilitating in offspring generation without the need for mating, without the need of any kind of relationship. With more and more women making a choice of being single throughout their lives, this could just be what they ever wanted. A baby without a father. Freedom from all sorts of male oppression and rule, women can finally be free.

Relevance for men?
There could be a huge question mark over the relevance of men. The way people prepare their CVs to get into top organizations, similar CVs would be created to have access to the exotic females. Mass 'campusing' would be organized and the men with the most attractive features stand to win there. The Government would be allotting special budget for 'unmarried' males, on similar lines of 'unemployed' youths. The male child would be hated in families and cases of male foeticide may occur secretly. Special rights groups would hold protests against the inhuman treatment of males and there would be classes for families on why the male child should not be ignored. In some countries, this scientific procedure would be banned and there would be threats issued against nations who go for this. In the new light of threats, the United Nations would hold special all-men sessions to try and find out how these can be handled in the best manner.

Speculations galore. But I just hope that the scientists find out something good for the men as well. I mean why are they so intent on abolishing (or rather diminishing the importance of) most of the male species from this world! LOL

Strikes - Keep them coming?

I was watching Rang de Basanti for the 5th time the other day. It was being aired on UTV. The film gives me something new to think about each time I watch it. Even this time, I thought, is India in safe hands? No, I am not campaigning for a political party here. Rather, I am trying to give an overview of what the scenario is before I move to the main topic of discussion. As per news figures, 150 of the newly elected MPs have criminal cases pending against them. Of them, 73 MPs face serious charges. And, lets say, there are quite a few who have been involved in criminal activities, but were never caught. So that enhances the figures even more!

Now, the main topic of discussion: Bengal is having a 12 hour strike yet again! The issue? Political rivalry leading to blood stains. The sufferers? The common men. Time and again, I have hinted that strikes do not solve problems, rather they paralyse the nervous system of the city. But I am nobody. So nobody listens to me. And since nobody listens to me, everybody thinks he or she can call a strike and get away with it. And wait, do you want to know what happened the day before the strike would take place? Have a look at this article. I was watching live video clips of the incidents. The people were smashing the window panes of vehicles with whatever they had in their hands, ultimately setting the vehicles on fire. I was wondering if the 'non-living' buses had any idea what it was all about and what had been their fault! I could derive only one possible benefit. For quite some time now, the government had been trying to take aged buses (more than 15 years old) off the road, but the drive has been facing serious protests from the bus syndicate owners as well as various groups. Today, the number of such vehicles got reduced - thanks to their mass cremation! But apart from this 'derived' benefit, I could really not see any other gains. As is expected, one ambulance was staggered in the traffic jam created because of this on the Howrah bridge. The patient had a tough time and the relatives were anxious (to say the least).

There will be eternal debates on the fact that strike is an weapon of non-violence used to educate the mass and gain support and also as a tool to create pressure. But one is compelled to think, what is it that we are gaining out of it? If you ask me, I gained just one thing. Guess what!

THIS BLOG POST! What else!

Cheers to strikes! Keep them coming! *sarcastic eh!*

Strawberry - come a little closer

The last few days were terrible. I can bet there were a very few people who were busier than what I was. What with all those trainings and seminars and preparations for a fun-league in office and of course the most important of all: work!

So, an amalgamation of all of these conspired ferociously to keep me out of the Blogosphere and nearly succeeded - only if the weekend had not been round the corner! :)

And therefore, I wish to make amends for all those posts which were never really written, but had been thought about, in those spare moments - which were so hard to get!

By now, you are confused, right? What with the picture of a ....? of a ...? yes, STRAWBERRY!!!

No, I am not a chef - nor do I intend to become one, until and unless I am really compelled to! This is not even a post intended to tell you about some delicious recipe or to let you know how strawberry is really beneficial (or otherwise) for our health! Rather this post is linked to the 'league' (remember, I mentioned it at the start? - 'fun-league in office').

So, in that league - there was the first round held yesterday! And it had dumb charades and pictionary events! Dumb charades went 'okay'. There were two guessers from each team and one enacted. My team did not do too well, but nevertheless we managed to get 2 out of 5 correct. [I wasn't playing in that round by the way]. Now, in the pictionary event, there was one sketcher and two guessers from each team. In our team, I was the sketcher and had to pick up a chit. Guess what! My chit contained 'STRAWBERRY'! Believe it or not, this is one fruit I am not very well accustomed to. I have had flavours of it on numerous occasions - be it chocolates or ice-creams, but never really, I felt the urge to know this fruit better! As a result of which I could not figure out how to draw it! :(

As I was left stranded thinking on the stage in front of that huge canvas with my team members waiting with a bated breath (and my opponents wishing for the worst), I suddenly remembered a faint snap where Penelope Cruz was biting into a strawberry with her eyes suggesting a thousand words! [This fruit denotes passion, for sure!] Now, I remembered the color and the texture! What about the shape! Was it oval or slightly conical or heart shaped - I could not figure! The time was running away - we had only one minute to complete this! I drew. No colors were allowed, so the color 'red' (so characteristic of the fruit) could not be depicted! And the guesses ranged from coconut to wafers to biscuits to grapes! Even when a chocolate was drawn beside it, people remembered chocolate [but not the 'strawberry' flavoured ones! :( ]. Finally the time was up and we had managed to score a big zero!

I was disappointed. I came back to my desk after the event and googled out the images of strawberry to see where I exactly lacked. *sigh*

One thing for sure: I am not forgetting strawberries for the rest of my life!

Image courtesy: http://www.saynotocrack.com/

Yahoo! I am smart, at last!

Wow... I am showered with compliments these days. Recently some one referred to me, saying, "See, he has become so smart!" [as if I had been so stupid before!] Seriously, there are people who love passing remarks to individuals based on their own opinions, notwithstanding how they themselves get evaluated! There was this granny of mine who always used to compare me with another guy and invariably gave him higher points based on his 'smartness'.

Now, all these years, I have pondered on this simple question.

What is smartness?
I typed "define: smart" in Google and the most suitable definition I found out was:
showing mental alertness and calculation and resourcefulness

Now, is it really the definition of that hot girl with the rosy lipsticks on? ...or for that matter, the tall dark handsome guy who wears his sunglasses even while he is indoors just to show off how cool he is! Well, perceptions vary. That's the word - 'perception'. I liked the character of Surinder in 'Rab ne banaa di jodi'. [No, he doesn't even remotely resemble me] But I bet, he was smarter than his trendy avataar in jeans and stuffs. Although I am sure, many girls may not admit that.

Now, does all of these constitute smartness?

1. Biking at high speed ..Dhoom style (..leaving behind a trail of obnoxious CO2 and CO)
2. Flexing the muscles (err.. flesh)
3. Wearing a goggles (even while indoors)
4. Speaking non-stop (without the patience of hearing out the partner)
5. Talking in a highly stylish manner (as if each word from the mouth has a price tag of a 100 dollars)
6. Smoking a cigar and puffing in your face (bad manners)
7. Winking (oh so cool)
8. Showing a pair of 32 teeth now and then (I thought, that's callousness)

But I see a hundred 'smart' dudes and babes daily, doing just (all or some of) these. I asked one friend of mine who had forgotten to wink seeing a girl at the mall, "Hey buddy, what's with her?"
"Oh man! She's so smart!", pat came the answer. I looked in the direction. She was good looking, carried herself well, had a nice figure. But did all of that constitute smartness? We never had the clue as to her mental alertness or resourcefulness. But as per my dear friend's dictionary, she was 'smart'.

On that same scale, I was just un-smart till yesterday. Today, I was rated 'smart'. Wonder, what constituted the rating!

A Smart Politician

I had an ordinary day today. Oh. There was a funny incident as I was returning back home. As you are aware, these days there are lots of political campaigns going on and believe me, no sound (or 'decibel') restrictions are followed. The leaders (lean, fat, short, tall, fair, dark, old and young alike) shout like anything and pretend to know anything and everything about Indian politics, history, economics, geography and you name a subject and they know it. Few weeks back, there were such statements from one such 'know-all' person, that I tended to forget what I had learned in the good, old NCERT books in school. Anyways, today's incident was different.
As I was turning towards my apartment, I saw a 'leader' shouting at the top of his voice on the microphone. There were at least 40 chairs lined up in front of him, out of which (sadly), only 5 were filled up (you know by whom). In the midst of his 'revolutionary' speech, suddenly he fumbled and started searching for words. Probably he had run out of ideas and then, it happened. He saw me, smiled and felt rejuvenated. He began,"Yes, we all know what has been done for the Information Technology sector.... blah blah blah" Thanks to my attire and backpack. He had well understood my profession and used it to good effect.
Conclusion: Politicians, these days, are very smart!

Corporate Love Birds

Pitch black darkness inside my office bus. It was 8:20pm at night and supposedly, I was the only passenger aboard. Dropped down my backpack with a certain amount of relief, folded up my specs and neatly wrapped with a small cotton cloth that I always carry. I felt good, going home at last. The fact that I was the only one aboard egged me on into starting a folk song. Well, as I cleared my throat and was about to begin the first line, that I found I was not the only one aboard. In fact I had almost succeeded in breaking the sweet honeymoon that a couple close by was engaged in. Thankfully, I was quick to understand my mistake and settled down as fast as possible without looking back, pretending not to notice.

Just a thought, is it becoming increasingly difficult for love birds to find a suitable happy hunting ground? And is the civic society being encroached upon as a result? Questions for you, readers. Pour your hearts out!

So near, yet so far!

I saw you the other day. You were flashing a billion dollar smile, that made my heart melt instantly. Oh, you are so beautiful, sweetheart. I can stare at you without my eyes straining, for hours. The mesmerising smile, the beautiful lips, the curves, everything is so enticing, so inviting.
Alas! You are so far away!
Pity! The people who have made you stand there have no mercy on you!
You are there at the same place, every day, every hour, every minute, every moment.... staring at me with the same kind of intensity, the same kind of ardent devotion.
A silent prayer in your lips... "Please take me away from here, I am so tired, I want to sleep, I want to rest, those spotlights tire my eyes, I want the cosy corner of the bedroom, not the expansion of the blue sky above, not the drizzle and thunder that I encounter with, occasionally"
I say: Yes, my dear, I understand... I am not inhuman...
But... there is a big 'but' in here...

How can I reach you? You are so far away? So big on me? The nearer I get to you, the bigger you seem to me... Because, sweetheart, you are destined to be like that... Because, you are only a billboard!

Yummy!

I have made a pretty bad reputation for myself! Yeah it's true. It haunts me wherever I go, whatever I do. I cannot sleep at night. I cannot relax. I cannot be at peace with myself. The reason is:

I HAVE STARTED EATING TOO MUCH!

And to make matters worse, the input output ratio is not balanced as well. So you can imagine! Don't worry, people around me are safe and can breathe freely as of now. But I haven't seen the future and neither have they.

Anyways, I tell myself, "Hey man, its your stomach, your mouth, your spoon, your plate, your rice, your chicken, everything is yours! Then why inhibitions? After all 'sab papi pet ke liye hi hai naa'!" But there are morons, thin as a stick, who keep on budging me and irritating me with all sort of comments! They have no appetite and they feel, none should have! They walk around in the office, in the park, on the highway... two dimensional figures... am bored of them, SERIOUSLY!

If Mr Amir Khan can eat 15 egg whites every day to sculpt a physique that make women swoon over him, what's wrong with me?

Forget it, it's lunch time and I am already feeling it.... yummy!!!

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Image source: http://www.salomon-online.com

The extraordinary conference

Bingo!

Got an idea! Hey all you guys and gals out there, I have got an absolutely hot idea here.

Tell me how many of you are heart broken. There are many, right? So why don't all of us team up together and see if we can get something viable out of it. A conference where each speaker would be given appropriate chance to spit out his or her thoughts (or stories) and there would be others to listen. There would be separate rooms for unloading your tears and proper drainage mechanisms in place so that the area does not get flooded. There would be stalls providing various varieties of adhesives (mild, strong, quick fix) which would be used to mend the broken hearts. In case adhesives do not work, you can always go for welding, that way the fix would be better. There would be a cafeteria where you can relax after a gloomy day out. The theme music would consist of lots of soulful and sad numbers from Rafi and others who have made a mark in this specialised domain. In case a pair is formed from among the visitors, immediately they would be rusticated and would need to leave the conference. Presently I am looking for a good Guru to spark all of it off! Refer some one's name if you think he / she is capable of handling such a gigantic event! If all else fails, I would nominate people as per my own judgements.

So all you brokes (strictly by heart) out there! ENjoY! It's time to rock and roll!

Let the party begin!!!

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PS. This idea is an extended and fun version of this.

Hush hush

Do you use a chat client in your office? Yes, I mean for official communications? I hope many of you do, right? Now, have you thought how much of it is really productive?
Let me tell you a story. There were two individuals - X and Y. X is female and Y is male. Suddenly it became evident to us all that there was something cooking among the two. Both are colleagues. So I thought, let me sort this out! So I decided to talk to them and X, out of sheer shyness, denied the allegations. In given circumstances, Y also backtracked. The case, I thought, was closed. But, somehow my highly intelligent brain (next only to err... Holmes) could not digest it!

So I decided to keep a watch on both of them. No communication whatsoever! Whatever little, was purely official! So I thought, well well... may be... may be not...
And then what I found out was:
Every day, from dawn to dusk these people would chat on the chat client although they sat next to each other! Can you believe it? Somehow they feel we are all idiots and nothing would be evident!

Now this is what they would typically call "Love for technology" and I would call "Technology for love" ! LOL


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Image source: http://www.eycbrant.ca

My new year resolutions

Hey... so, finally we are in 2009!

The new year has arrived and guess what! For the first time in my history of existence, I have decided to go for New Year Resolutions.

And here are they:

1. Promise everyone with a small 'conditions apply' tag.
2. Stay away from girls and dogs. Both bite and bite hard! It hurts! oooh!
3. Laugh often and never cry.
4. Make friendships only with boys (in a strictly non-pervert and innocent sense, NOT what you think, you *****!)
5. Feign to be intelligent.
6. Whenever in trouble, speak the truth.
7. Whenever not in trouble, also speak the truth. Oh! both sound so similar, isn't it?
8. Research on how to increase the limits of blogger, so that I may never have to switch to another account and am able to write 90 years of blah blah blah.
9. Make money out of everything! Am short of cash! Seriously!
   

Aaahhh... so hopefully that's it and all!

PS. All in a strictly humorous sense!

Image source: http://www.cyarena.com/

Where is god?

Hmm... 2009 is few hours away...

2008 is gonna go...

And I have decided to end this year on a humorous note. Hence, here is a small joke concerning two boys. It was forwarded to me by my dear friends... So here we go:

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were extremely mischievous. They always got into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
The boys' mother had heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning and the elder boy was set to meet the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, made the younger boy sit down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,
"Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time."
........................................
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.........................
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..............
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Source: Unknown

What a fart!

Ohhh, its that time of my health again, when I just feel like... aahhh.. relieving myself, but the problem is people never take it too kindly! I remember taking tuition from a Mathematics teacher in Class 9 who had one of his awkward days, which made us concentrate more on vapours than theorems... the problem was how to make a straight face when you know you are dying to laugh your hearts out and he, being a very serious man would never entertain that! Finally we could have a bit of oxygen when he declared, "Please do these problems. Let me complete some work, which I suddenly remember now and I would come back!" We felt like... "hmm... yeah yeah... please... thank you so much".

Now my question is, why are people generally so hush hush about this natural phenomena? Is it only because of the odour associated? Or because of the sound? In most cultures, it is considered "BAD MANNERS". But why? After all we are only leaving out the vapours! Anyways, let me take up the classification of various kind of farts:

The two parameters are VOLUME and ODOUR! So we have four combinations out of these two:

1) Low volume, low odour: The safest bet! Go on all of you! None will notice! Guaranteed pleasure!

2) Low volume, high odour: This is safe only when you are able to strike and leave immediately Its like an air raid. Just drop the bomb and leave. If you stay put, you are in for big time trouble!

3) High volume, low odour: Problem! Do not do it! If at all you need to, please move to the washroom and relieve yourself!

4) High volume, high odour: A strict NO NO! If you feel this would be your output, please leave the place, go to the garden, hum some nice old Hindi song and relieve yourself! And come back only when you feel you are done!

The most common among these four are:

• Low volume, high odour &


• High volume, low odour

Next time, you feel like... you know what... I am sure your output would fall into one of these classifications.

Its the same with all. Take the celebrities: Hrithik, Shahrukh, Sachin, Dada, Dhoni, Lalu... they all do it! But the media has not been able to take up their sounds as yet! Lets hope some day, we would be able to hear something about them... a loud POOOOOOO...

Recently the films have started using the hilarious power of fart to good effect. Did you see Harry Puttar? If not, go and watch it once, its hilariously farty!!!

But somehow, farts have not been utilized well uptill now. Let us see where all could the vapours be utilized more efficiently:

1) As an alternative to LPG, though it would require large scale storage to be of any good use.

2) Handy lighters

3) It could help reduce the usage of bullets in gun battle. A combination of Himesh Reshammiya's songs and foul farty smell could work like AK47 when put to good use against criminals!

4) Drive away a thug. Next time someone places a knife on your back, politely ask him, "Can I fart?" and then provide him with a stinking output.. Success guaranteed!

So next time, you feel like doing it, just do it! Just keep the code of conduct in your mind and always store excess for emergencies!

Wish all of you "Happy Farting"!!!

PS: No offence intended. This post is only intended to give a "Bajate raho" award to those who do not care about the place and occasion and decide to relieve themselves. It would also serve as a guide to those who need it most!

Image source: http://www.porcelainpoetry.faketrix.com

Much ado about "nothing"

You know, friends, I thought about updating this blog of mine... thought about writing something new... fresh... enthralling... but there is nothing substantial worth writing about. Then I thought lets elaborate this 'nothing'. Is it a thing? No... it's nothing. But what is this nothing? It is merely the absence of anything. But when we say, absence of anything, that absence also needs to exist. But it's again equal to nothing. And you know, there are other implications of nothing as well. For example, when you know you have messed up something in your relationship with your girl find, and you ask her, "Why dear, any problems? Any mistakes from my end?" I bet, the answer you would hear is "Nothing" and rest assured, there is definitely something about it. So "Nothing" varies depending upon the context in which it is used. It could mean everything, something and even nothing.

And believe me, this piece of bullshit that I've written down out of sheer laziness or craziness, amounts to nothing, and still some of you might say, it means something.

Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales assistant, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the window?"

The sales assistant answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work OutBarbie for £10.95, Shopping Barbie for £10.95, Beach Barbie for £10.95,Disco Barbie for £10.95, Ballerina Barbie for £10.95, Astronaut Barbie for£10.95, Skater Barbie for £10.95, and Divorced Barbie for £195.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie £195.95 and the others only £10.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat,Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and .............one of Ken's Friends ."

Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f***ing cat."

Anniversary

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Pay attention

"Are You Paying Attention?"

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.
After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."