What a fart!

Ohhh, its that time of my health again, when I just feel like... aahhh.. relieving myself, but the problem is people never take it too kindly! I remember taking tuition from a Mathematics teacher in Class 9 who had one of his awkward days, which made us concentrate more on vapours than theorems... the problem was how to make a straight face when you know you are dying to laugh your hearts out and he, being a very serious man would never entertain that! Finally we could have a bit of oxygen when he declared, "Please do these problems. Let me complete some work, which I suddenly remember now and I would come back!" We felt like... "hmm... yeah yeah... please... thank you so much".

Now my question is, why are people generally so hush hush about this natural phenomena? Is it only because of the odour associated? Or because of the sound? In most cultures, it is considered "BAD MANNERS". But why? After all we are only leaving out the vapours! Anyways, let me take up the classification of various kind of farts:

The two parameters are VOLUME and ODOUR! So we have four combinations out of these two:

1) Low volume, low odour: The safest bet! Go on all of you! None will notice! Guaranteed pleasure!

2) Low volume, high odour: This is safe only when you are able to strike and leave immediately Its like an air raid. Just drop the bomb and leave. If you stay put, you are in for big time trouble!

3) High volume, low odour: Problem! Do not do it! If at all you need to, please move to the washroom and relieve yourself!

4) High volume, high odour: A strict NO NO! If you feel this would be your output, please leave the place, go to the garden, hum some nice old Hindi song and relieve yourself! And come back only when you feel you are done!

The most common among these four are:

• Low volume, high odour &


• High volume, low odour

Next time, you feel like... you know what... I am sure your output would fall into one of these classifications.

Its the same with all. Take the celebrities: Hrithik, Shahrukh, Sachin, Dada, Dhoni, Lalu... they all do it! But the media has not been able to take up their sounds as yet! Lets hope some day, we would be able to hear something about them... a loud POOOOOOO...

Recently the films have started using the hilarious power of fart to good effect. Did you see Harry Puttar? If not, go and watch it once, its hilariously farty!!!

But somehow, farts have not been utilized well uptill now. Let us see where all could the vapours be utilized more efficiently:

1) As an alternative to LPG, though it would require large scale storage to be of any good use.

2) Handy lighters

3) It could help reduce the usage of bullets in gun battle. A combination of Himesh Reshammiya's songs and foul farty smell could work like AK47 when put to good use against criminals!

4) Drive away a thug. Next time someone places a knife on your back, politely ask him, "Can I fart?" and then provide him with a stinking output.. Success guaranteed!

So next time, you feel like doing it, just do it! Just keep the code of conduct in your mind and always store excess for emergencies!

Wish all of you "Happy Farting"!!!

PS: No offence intended. This post is only intended to give a "Bajate raho" award to those who do not care about the place and occasion and decide to relieve themselves. It would also serve as a guide to those who need it most!

Image source: http://www.porcelainpoetry.faketrix.com